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As an elder sibling one thing that really gave me the sh*ts when I was growing up was how my little brother would carry on as if he was being shot if I so much as looked at him sideways. He’d be sitting there in the lounge room begging me for mercy or to stop […]
Read They learn young how to torment. »
It is wrong to staple gun a baby to the floor - at least I am pretty sure it is frowned upon. Even if it isn’t really the baby you are stapling to the floor but the baby’s jumpsuit. I just think it is one of those thing that would cause the neighbours tongues to […]
Read Hide Everything - Baby on the loose »
After the devastating emotional blow of being told by our toddler than I am perhaps the world’s ugliest dad, I finally feel emotionally strong enough to post again.
Of course the recovery was perhaps delayed slightly by Wife’s insistance on telling everyone who would listen the story in great and ever more vivid detail. I could […]
Usurper has thrown the shackles of the motionless world off and has started to ‘crawl’ in her own special way. It’s special because when I say crawl in the context of our youngest I really mean drag yourself around using nothing but upper body strength, dragging your legs behind you as if they were nothing […]
Read Baby on the Move »
How the heck do they do it? How do toddlers manage to throw themselves around with absolute gay abandon and not kill themselves - or at least do serious damage to their being?
Little Miss’ current favorite game involves doing backflips off the couch and onto the ground below. She does this with no regard for […]
How the heck do they do it? How do toddlers manage to throw themselves around with absolute gay abandon and not kill themselves - or at least do serious damage to their being?
Little Miss’ current favorite game involves doing backflips off the couch and onto the ground below. She does this with no regard for her wellbeing or regard for the consequences.
Apart from the constant heart in mouth sensation these stunts lead too I don’t mind the rolling off the couch all that much - it is better than having a toddler who is afraid of their own shadow, which is where Little Miss started her adventures in life. She used to be too scared to even climb up on play equipment, and now we can’t stop her jumping off it lol.
Soooo, all of that wouldn’t be too bad, but she has decided that I should be dragged into her little death defying game, which leads to the following fun. We get to lie down on the couch together, then we pretend to overbalance (complete with woooooohhhhhhhhhh, arrrggghhhhhh sound effects as we wobble back and forth) and we eventually tumble unceremoniously to the ground with a thud.
Now given that I outweigh little miss by about 4 - 1 (it used to be over 6 - 1 but I am more sprightly these days, and she is a growing girl) I have to ensure that I land on the ground first and she lands of the soft landing mat that is daddy.
Once we land on the ground she jumps up all concerned; ‘Did you break your arm?’, ‘Did you break your neck?’ ‘Did you break……?’ To which I have to reassure her constantly that I haven’t broken anything.
She then pulls me up by the hands, comments how lucky we are not to have suffered a severe injury and ‘cried big tears’.
Then pleased with the fact we have survived she demands that we do it again: the rolling on the couch, the slight overbalancing, the thudding crunch to the ground. Over and over again, for literally hours on end if she is allowed. All good fun and games.
Unless you happen to be Daddy that is.
I am slowly being crushed to a pulp in this game. Every time the toddler falls she lands on me with a more resounding thud. Each time she remains uninjured she gets bolder throwing itself around with more and more fervor, leading to a greater and greater pounding for dear old dad.
I think she is trying to kill me slowly by turning my internal organs into a liquid gloop - probably at the behest of the evil baby Usurper who giggles at the whole thing, much like a Roman at the Colosseum.
